Troy (2004)

Poster Description: The Trojan horse is made of black wood, surrounded by men with spears. Hector (Eric Bana) squints in the sun, turning towards Achilles (Brad Pitt), who dominates the poster space. Where Hector is dark-haired and bearded in a metal tunic, Achille is blonde, long-haired and clean-shaved with a leather tunic. Behind the film’s title, Helen (Diane Kruger) and Paris (Orlando Bloom) embrace passionately.

I won’t lie; teenage hormones brought me here. From my Lord of the Rings revisits and Pirates of the Caribbean review, you’ll know my first celebrity crush was Orlando Bloom. I’d vowed to watch everything Bloom ever starred in, and given that he was arguably at the height of his popularity after the success of the Lord of the Rings, I was spoilt for choice on what to watch.

That said, I distinctly remember my dad telling me to calm down when I found this poster in my magazine:

Image Description: Paris stands in front of a wooden door, half in shadow, with an intense expression. His hair is short and dark, with curls falling across his forehead. He wears an ornate bronze tunic with intricate squares, rivets, and circles, and metal armbands encircle his upper arms.

Orlando was looking at me, guys. He was looking at me. I would later discover he played Paris, the Trojan prince who fell for Helen, brought to life by the then-unknown Diane Kruger (Inglorious Basterds). Unsatisfied by her marriage to Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson, In Bruges), Helen runs away to Troy with her new man and starts a bloody feud. The things we do for love, eh?

Troy pushes its 15 certificate as far as it will go regarding violence. Meanwhile, the locations and stunning costumes (designed by Bob Ringwood) blaze in the sun, accompanied by the late James Horner’s mighty score. Those wind instruments are bombastic and make the audience think they can take on all of Troy singlehandedly. In keeping with the 2000s trend, we have plenty of wailing women included; rather than sounding cliched, the score never fails to give me goosebumps. Then again, that could be nostalgia talking…speaking of which…

I remember feeling utterly betrayed that the screenwriter didn’t make Paris out to be the majestic hero I perceived him to be. Instead, we have his brother, Hector (Eric Bana, The Dry), trying to clear up his mess, and Paris looks like a wuss. With that said, Brian Cox’s wheezing laugh while Paris makes a twit of himself against Menelaus is an unexpected, hilarious bonus. Agamemnon is the ultimate pantomime villain in this film, and you love to hate him because it’s so easy. In contrast, Paris and Hector’s father is played by the legendary Peter O’Toole, on something of a leash in this role.

You may recognise screenwriter David Benioff from Game of Thrones, and with Troy, the warning signs were all there. While the Trojan War was a 10-year siege, by Benioff’s hand, it’s all over within a night. What a rushed conclusion. Who knew that would crop up again, fourteen years later, to such devastating, ludicrous effect?

Another hallmark of Benioff is aggressive misogyny. Despite being the face that launched a thousand ships, Helen gets shoved to the backseat, and except for the Trojans and Sean Bean’s Odysseus (yes, really), the men are thugs. All the female characters are poorly treated or threatened to be mistreated. Everyone except Hector’s wife and I had to research her name because I couldn’t recall it ever being mentioned. It’s Andromache, and she’s played with incredible dignity by Saffron Burrows for all fifteen minutes of screen time she gets. There’s also a sub-plot where a Trojan priestess is taken as Achilles’ slave, and sparks fly because he’s played by Brad Pitt, so, of course, he needs a pretty love interest. Very much no homo (the 2000s were a weird time, okay?). The priestess is also Paris and Hector’s cousin, whose name changes every time a different character says it. Rose Byrne sparkles as Briseis all the same.

Image Description: Tied to a wooden tent pole, Briseis (Rose Byrne) looks dishevelled and disdainful. Her long, dark hair sticks to her sweaty neck, and she wears a white shift.

I went into Troy knowing nothing about its source material and believed Patroclus was Achilles’…cousin. Wow. Hear that? That’s queer mythology scholars choking on their outrage. Nevertheless, Brad Pitt’s performance as Achilles is surprisingly profound. This hero has much to say about the will of the gods and their nature, but I just wish Pitt had the acting chops to make it sound like he meant it. We get a beautiful moment between Achilles and his mother while he decides whether to fight for the Spartans, but it’s Julie Christie doing the heavy lifting in that scene while Pitt stares broodily into the distance. And then, that’s it. We never see her again.

On a more petty note, I hate Pitt’s wig; the perfect, rigid hairline offends me greatly.

Aw, man, that was his favourite tunic!

Image Description: Achilles is tanned with bare, sunburnt arms and forehead, which is wrinkled. A vein runs from his fake-looking hairline to his brows, and his sweaty, blonde hair is pulled away from his face, though straggling against his cheeks. Wearing only a leather tunic, Achilles scowls/pouts because of a long, diagonal slash across the material from his left pec to the right.

I didn’t go to Troy for the plot in 2004. I came for pretty, sweaty men with smouldering eyes and bronze skin – and I wasn’t disappointed! The bombastic score, thrilling battles, and beautiful costumes were a bonus for a budding cinephile. Nevertheless, the aggressive misogyny makes for difficult viewing, and the ending feels shockingly rushed for such an epic build-up. For most audiences, it’s a fun sword-and-sandals romp; for me, it is fun for thirsty nostalgia but not much else.

My Rating: 2.5 STARS OUT OF 5

You can read my revisits of Fellowship of the Ring & The Two Towers here.

My Sources:

Troy poster - https://www.filmaffinity.com/en/film564615.html

Image – Orlando Bloom/Paris smoulders - https://variety.com/2024/film/news/orlando-bloom-disliked-troy-character-1235997119/

Troy costume designer? - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332452/fullcredits/

Eric Bana’s filmography - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0051509/?ref_=tt_cl_t_2

Wait, it’s not THAT David Benioff, is it? It is? Oh… -https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1125275/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Image – Brieses - https://historica.fandom.com/wiki/Briseis

Image – Achilles - https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/05/troy-movie-anniversary-brad-pitt

What’s the name of Hector’s wife and who plays her? - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004787/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t25

Who wrote the score for Troy? - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332452/fullcredits/?ref_=tt_cl_sm