Poster
Description:
Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) has the most enormous head in this weird salad
with Spalko (Cate Blanchett) and Mutt sat on his motorcycle (Shia LaBeouf) on
both sides of him. We are in a jungle, and Marian and Mac’s heads are here,
too, as well as the crystal skull. Tribal warriors are chasing after Dr. Jones.
Mind that title, Indy!
Last year, I wrote a review for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. I described how Kingdom of the Crystal Skull confused me, but failed to explain why. Now, it is time! I originally wrote about the 2008 film when I was fifteen. I’m amazed to say I gave it four stars out of five, but it’s become a running joke in my family that everyone but my dad hates Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but is that fair? Is it as bad as we think it is?
As always, my
opinions from 2008 will be in bold blue
2008: Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is back,
looking much older than in The Last Crusade.
2025: The Last Crusade came out
nearly twenty years before this, so of course, Ford looks older! I still like
the slow reveal, starting with that iconic hat.
2008: Set in 1957, he is forced to lead the
Soviet Union and their boss, Col. Dr. Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) to find a
crystal skull that is said to have magical properties.
2025: By the Soviet Union, I meant a
faction of the Russian army, led by Dr. Spalko. I can’t say Blanchett would
have been my first choice playing a Ukrainian scientist, but you can’t deny
that her gaze is suitably piercing. Perfect for a woman who thinks she
can read people’s minds! Unfortunately, Spalko’s (inevitable) demise is not
nearly as satisfying as any of the other antagonists in previous Indiana
Jones films. I suspect it’s because of Kingdom’s over-reliance on
CGI. Even the prairie dogs at the start of the film blatantly aren’t real.
There are
still some examples of practical effects, though, in the crystal skull and the
preserved bodies in the jungle temple. That skull looks heavy as hell, and the
corpses reacting to the oxygen (and, by extension, the actors to them) is
suitably disconcerting!
2008: On the way, [Indiana Jones] meets a young
man called Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) who looks like he just stepped out of
the musical Grease, and an old flame, Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen).
2025: LaBeouf and Ford’s chemistry is warm,
and their action scenes are thrilling. I particularly liked the scene where
they talk in a café; Mutt steals a drink from a waitress’s tray as it passes by
and, without missing a beat, Indy swaps the drink back. Similarly, the chase
that’s somewhat thwarted by a fight between preps and Teddy Boys and finished
with a motorbike sliding across the library floor (!) is one of my favourite
scenes in the whole film.
LaBeouf also
gives us a hint of a sweet relationship between Matt and John Hurt’s character,
Professor Oxley. In his search for the crystal skull, Ox loses his mind,
evidence that Mutt and Jones witness firsthand in the cell where he resides. Ox
covered the walls and floor in diagrams and scrawlings, and we see Mutt’s eyes
are full of tears. It’s very touching, though I wish there were more scenes
with Hurt in them.
Likewise,
Karen Allen only appears in a handful of scenes, which is a real shame because
the spiky rapport between her and Ford is still there. In Raiders of the
Lost Ark, Marion was the damsel in distress, but she was capable enough to
hold her own. Maybe that’s why Willie happened, because Marion was so good at
softening Jones’ manly façade. Did audiences feel threatened by that? Did they
prefer prissy, screaming women instead?
2008: Not only that, [Indiana Jones] discovers
his friend Mac (Ray Winstone) may not be such a good friend after all.
2025: No offence to Ray Winstone, but I hate
him in this role. The constant plot-dance of “He’s a double-agent! No, he
isn’t! Wait, yes, he is!” is maddening, as well as the decision for him to call
Indy “JONES-Y!” It’s hard to imagine them ever being friends in previous
adventures, because Mac is so one-dimensional and annoying. It’s hilariously
cathartic when Indy fulfils the promise of breaking Mac’s nose; yet the
screenwriters seem to want to make us feel sorry for him at the same time.
Nevertheless, his eventual end feels more of a relief than Spalko’s death!
Also, have
you noticed the sound editors use the same noise every time a thrown punch
connects? It’s a bizarre “TSH!” sound that doesn’t seem physically possible in
the moment.
2008: This film was great, especially the
effects – an obvious factor in such an action-packed movie – but the ending was
not as good as I expected, so some people may be a bit disappointed with the
result, while others may be die-hard Indy fans so they may have other opinions.
2025: Other highlights include the
nighttime raid of a tomb full of springy bodyguards armed with poison darts,
and Jones’s infamous narrow escape out of a nuclear bomb test via a fridge.
There ain’t no way he survived that fall, lead-lining or no lead-lining.
As for that
ending, I was more than disappointed with the result. It’s the main reason why Kingdom
of the Crystal Skull was my least favourite Indiana Jones film,
before Dial of Destiny came along. Not only do the aliens look terrible,
but the idea that treasure is knowledge feels patronising.
With that all
in mind, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not as bad as most make it out
to be, me included. The overuse of CGI, annoying secondary characters, and
occasional implausible escapes make me roll my eyes, but it’s still
entertaining enough.
My Rating:
2008: 4 STARS OUT OF 5
2025: 3 STARS OUT OF 5
My Sources:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal
Skull poster - https://www.ukposters.co.uk/art-photo/indiana-jones-and-the-kingdom-of-the-crystall-skull-v110832?srsltid=AfmBOooO7rJ8yj94xSLy20hvIppuKz3REpdAOR7xCD5R0KBaFX_5dqB7
Character names - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367882/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_7_nm_1_in_0_q_indiana%2520and%2520the%2520kin
Who is John Hurt’s character? - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000457/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_4_nm_4_in_0_q_john%2520hurt
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